MY STORY

FINDING MY FEMININE IDENTITY

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This journey has been long and broken but I am finally here. Not the destination, but I’m on the right track. That counts for something.

I have always wondered what being a woman meant for me. Was it being a wife and a mother? Somehow gender identity has always been closely linked to the roles that are played by that particular gender so that when those roles are taken away and replaced by the question who and why there is a resounding silence. Being a millennial hasn’t made it easier. You have choices; two of them. You either become a feminist or a traditionalist (which depends on the culture you’re from).

I come from a very “conventional” family. Everything has always been done as it should. Amazing Godly parents. Lots of stability. Yet, somehow, that didn’t shield me from all the dysfunction going on in the world. The voice of dysfunction seems to be everywhere; in the news, on social media, with your neighbours, pretty much everywhere.

Also, one very common narrative that informed my own story was that “she stayed because of the kids.” “She didn’t have a job.” “She needed her kids to be taken care of.” This, it seemed to me, that money was the problem. So at a very young I decided I was going to work hard, have a very successful career. I was never going to allow anyone to bully me (read anyone to mean husband). It seemed to me as though money brought with it respect. So I decided I too I was going to bring a fat cheque home and if push came to shove my big fat cheque could find me accommodation and school fees for my children.

In short, I decided I was going to be a strong independent woman.

I tried for a while to fight for equality. Quite exhausting I must confess. In my mind marriage was a fight for equality where everyone was supposed to come with their 50:50. When I look at feminism all I see is a woman who is seeking to protect herself by filling up a void that should be filled by Godly male leadership and as good as that may sound it is actually very broken and toxic.

Early this year I realized I had taken in too many worldly notions about who I was supposed to be. By all means, I had become the strong and independent woman I had always wanted to be and yet I found it to be very disturbing. I didn’t like it especially because I didn’t know how to trust and rely on God. I realized I had been treating God exactly how I had been treating the world, always fearing that one day God would feel that I was too dependent on Him. I can laugh at myself now.

So I went to God, the creator, and asked what does it mean being a woman?

So on this particular day I had taken time to deny the flesh and seek God concerning life matters and as I was praying I felt this rigidness in my heart. I wondered, “What could that be?”  I did a heart check specifically checking if there was any bitterness taking root in my heart. That was not it.

Anyway, I felt that the problem was not un-forgiveness, it must have been something else. So I decided to ask, “Lord what is it?” I felt the Lord saying that there are parts of me even He could not access. I allowed Him to bring those walls down. Almost immediately I felt what I can only describe as a great light suddenly gash into my heart. Alas! Freedom!

When I prayed to the Lord to teach me what it meant being a woman, I didn’t get an overnight answer. But, I noticed over time that my mindset had changed. Here’s how:

1. I would never have thought that one day I would relate with the Samaritan woman. I found her to be broken and severely insecure. I didn’t think I fit the bill, Jesus thought otherwise. I read and re-read the profound mystery that is John 4 in tandem with 1st John 4:18. God can love your insecurities away.

2. I am learning not to fight the structures that God has put in place.

3. That vulnerability is a gift, strength even. You don’t expose it, the world will abuse it. You don’t build walls around it, that makes you numb. It takes wisdom to wear it as a crown.

4. Submission is a kingdom concept. An insecure and a broken person cannot submit. It takes Jesus.

Writer l Singer l Lawyer l Entrepreneur

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Daniel
Daniel
1 year ago

https://www.girldefined.com/7-reasons-im-not-a-feminist

Some more thoughts on the topic. What do you think?

Brenda Karimi
Brenda Karimi
1 year ago

This resonates with me so deeply because I have also struggled with identity. I have learnt that true identity is found in Christ.All else is a deception from the pits of hell.

Irayah
Irayah
1 year ago

Lovely piece .i love it.

kiara Timothy
kiara Timothy
1 year ago

Wow. Great read

Njoroge Joan
Njoroge Joan
1 year ago

I like your spirit gal…..
May God continue empowering you day by day.

Amy
Amy
1 year ago

Wangeci. Beautiful my friend. I love how you effortlessly bring out this issues that affect us as young. You are a force to wreckon with baby girl. Love you

Damaris
Damaris
1 year ago

I really love the piece, read and read again.Blessings gal

Kim
Kim
1 year ago

I love this piece, it’s brief but to the point, balanced and weighty.

Non feminist and non traditional but full of godly inspiration

Virginia
Virginia
1 year ago

I love love love this and fully agree with it.

Belinda
Belinda
1 year ago

Wangeci you are such a blessing
Let us enjoy the blessing you are!
Am blessed…

Virginia
Virginia
1 year ago

Wow profound.
Proud if you gal.
Reading this has exposed a side of u that I dint know.
A strong woman who has found her identity in Christ.

Timothy
Timothy
1 year ago

Awesome!

John
John
1 year ago

Hi Wangeci!

I like your blog. Kudos! Please visit mine (http://thuitamaina.com) and let me know how you find it. Thanks.

Thuita.

Thuita
Thuita
1 year ago
Reply to  wangecikiragu

Great! Looking forward to receiving your feedback, Wangeci. And please send me a friend-request on Facebook (Thuita J. Maina.)

Nicole
Nicole
2 years ago

This made me smile Wangeci!

I have also been asking the exact question; only mine has been in the form “Can I as a Christian be a feminist?”
I have found some truth here.

Thank you!

Keep writing & sharing your gift Ma!

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